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SUSIE
Received September 8, 2000
UPDATED April 20, 2002
``I found a rose in a field of lilies"
Hi!!!
My name is Susie, and I and my rose, Jessica, live in Brazil. I'm a pretty organised person, so I'll tell my story by answering the questions :)))
-Are you in a committed relationship with a transgendered person?
Oh, yes :)))) Me and Jessica have been together for the last 23 months, and we're getting engaged next October :)))))
-How early did you find out?
When I found out she was TS? Well... we first met on the internet, in this chat room I used to go. First time we talked, she told me :))))))
-How did you find out?
By talking to her :) This needs a little explanation, though.
When I first talked to Jessica on the net, I had just come out of an 8-month relationship with a guy, and was... let's say, enjoying my freedom *LOL*. We met on this chat room I used
to visit. On that day I was bored to death, there was absolutely no one to chat that would offer even decent conversation... and all of a sudden this nice girl comes into the room and says hi with a smile :) We
started talking, exchanged ICQ uins, and opened up a chat :) She was open from the beginning, and I didn't mind at all, but it wasn't a romantic chat until a month something later (not only because I wasn't really
planning to fall in love, but because we live in separate States).
We were really good friends, and, as talking progressed, we became more and more interested on each other. On October 10th, 1998, we met on the town my mother lives in (which, btw,
is just about in the middle of the way between our cities), and fell madly in love with each other.
Speaking for myself, I was enchanted by that sweet-eyed girl :))) She hadn't gone into transition, wasn't taking anything, I hadn't got a picture from her, even (in fact, the only
thing she said to me is that she was tall, thin, brown haired, and of Italian descendance), but when I laid my eyes on her, I just saw her as the woman she is inside, and is becoming more and more on the outside
too, each day :)))).
-How would you have rather found out?
Well... what can I say, I think I found out the best way you can get, so I wouldn't have it any other way :)))))
-How do you deal with your partner-what allowances, limitations, discussions...
Well... much better now than in the beginning, that's for sure. Not because of any discomfort of mine with her being trans (I'm quite practical about love. I love the person,
period. If I fell in love with a woman, I did, and it doesn't matter the package she came in - you can't enjoy the candy with the wrapping :), or lack of loving (we were (and are still) crazy in love with each
other, and in these 23 months, we NEVER had a fight) though.
The problem was that Jessica was extremely afraid of everything, especially of her parents. She just couldn't face them on any issues, and it became a MAJOR problem when they
insisted on her taking me to meet them. When that happened, they didn't approve our relationship. (Little explanation here: her parents have the most blunt brains I ever saw... they have prejudices against
everything, are extremely uptight with people in general, and... the cherry on the icing, they (specially her father) are control freaks of the worst kind).
Reasons? Well, I'm 3 years older than her (I'm now 28 and she's 25), I'm fatherless (my father died 15 years ago), I've got a somewhat well-paying job, I live by myself, I'm
independent, and I'm too fat for their taste.
So, they made her life miserable because of me, and, being as independent as I am, I couldn't understand why she didn't fight more against even such stupid behavior (she did have a
lot of talks with them, but they always ended up the same... her father screaming at her and putting her down)... that got so bad, so bad, that she lost her job as an intern in a high-tech company, her college
grades took a plunge (and her college is, still today, one of the major means of control her parents have on her - they pay
for it, and it's damn expensive), and, on June '99 (on the 13th, the day after
Valentine's day here, actually), she broke up with me, unsure about herself, our love, her future, and afraid of hurting me with her problems.
That lasted 3 months, and boy, I went through hell... the first 2 months, I tried to forget her everyway I could... She cut communications with me altogether, even on the net, and I
did everything to erase her from my life... I returned all our join stuff to her by a common friend, deleted everything I had from her in my computer, erased her name and phone number from my agenda, went out, made
new friends, had a SM session with a guy friend who had been interested in me for months (Me and Jessica were both into SM even before we met, but she hadn't ever practiced it with another person - btw, I was (and
am) her first and only girlfriend :)).
That's when I woke up. I realised that it was hurting, rather than helping me... that nothing I did would take away the pain and the feeling of wrongness that breaking up left in me,
and that nobody could take her place. It's a very, very hard thing to face that, and at first, I tought I was going crazy, that it was useless to try to get her back, that there's no such thing as one love
forever... and that's when she called me up on ICQ, asking if I had called her up on her birthday, the day before. I was shocked beside myself to see her talking to me after so long (2 months to me seemed like
eternity), and to this day I thank God she didn't call me on the phone. I gathered myself together, and talked to her friendly, but cooly... but when I went to sleep that night, I knew that, insanity or not, I would
get her back, because she loved me (ain't that wishful thinking?), period.
We talked almost everyday (always on ICQ) for the next 33 days, and I kept that cool friendly manner with her, but always pinching her whenever I could about her fears (I also
thought that, if I didn't get anything, I'd at least tell her everything that was stuck in my throat since the first time I saw her chicken over something). As the weeks went by, she began to crack up (the first
time she asked if I didn't miss her a bit I almost hit the ceiling with joy), and, on September 23, 1999, she began talking about
the end of our relationship... how she didn't know why she did
that... how
lost she was feeling by then. I called her up to a private chat and we talked for hours... and she said she never stopped loving me!!!!
We got back together... and, since then, even though I still have to push her sometimes (nope, I don't mind at all :) ), she's growing more and more independent and self-loving each
day :)))))))) She's been on a light hormone therapy for the last 4 months (she still lives with her parents, and she wants to get out of their hands before going strong), and it's making wonders for her... she says
it's like being out of a PMS that lasted from when she was 12 to 25 y.o., besides the physicall effects (*LOL*).
I don't know if the e-mail subject will appear here, but, if it doesn't, I'll repeat it here and explain it:
``I found a rose in a field of lilies..." I think that about summons up our relationship, and how it started... I was basically hetero, sexually speaking, when we first met, and, at
that time, I was having fun with men.
Jessica was the girl who stole my heart, that I found among a bunch of guys (forever, now I can say that without fear of being foolish), and, with it, she got everything else. I had
never fallen in love with anyone, no matter how many boyfriends I had (and well... I had A LOT of them), and was quite afraid of it, too (maybe in my heart I knew that when it happened, it would be the first and
last time. I don't know), and I had never had any relationships with girls, either. But that never bothered our relationship, and it's a normal lesbian relationship since the beginning (ok, she still has a
male's equipment between her legs, and it works, but she's a girl, for God's sake. We tried intercourse sometimes, but it just doesn't feel right, not only because she feels mighty unconfortable, but because
she never got the hang of how to do it (yep, it's not natural for her, and she never learned), and it's weird for me, too - I'm in bed with a girl, that thing has nothing to do there.
Mostly - and I learned it's the case with almost every lesbian couple in wich one of the girls is a pre-op - we play with each other normally, as it were her clitoris (it works best
if she can't see it, too. If yours is the same case, a blindfold helps a lot). It's weird to talk about our sexuality to other people, but it's important to show that it doesn't matter what the person you love look
like - if you truly love the person she is, and if your sexual desire is based in sharing pleasure with her soul, not only her body, you'll naturally adapt to the new situation (we, for example, are sexually happier
today, when she's on hormones and her body is changing, than when she wasn't taking anything).
Last, we have a long way to go... Jessica stopped her hormones for now, because we want babies in the future and she has to be "clean" of estrogen to fill up that
proverbial cup at the clinic (we agreed that way, also because it's gonna take some years for us to get pregnant, and she wants to be fully transitioned before that - wich is very good, it prevents the kid from
getting confused about having 2 moms when 1 of them looks like a Dad), but we expect she'll go back in a month or something. Besides that, she has the rest of the world to deal with (she told some of her friends,
and they took it normally :)))))), including her parents, and we have the distance problem (for as long as I don't get a decently paying job in her city, I can't move, and she's beginning her own tech business
there), but, after all we went through, and being still together and happy as the first day... I think we can do it well :)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Kisses,
Susie
UPDATE April 20, 2002
It's been a long time since I sent you my story with Jessie, and I think it's time to update it a little :)
Well, me and Jessie got engaged on October 10th, 2000, in a beautiful small party with my Mom and sister, and our friends, in Rio. At that time she didn't tell her parents about it,
but, after much struggle, they accepted I participate on their New Year's party. So, I went for it, and it was good, because the rest of her family liked me.
Thing is, Jessie and I gave up the baby idea, and she went strong on her hormone therapy right after September 8, 2000; her body continued changing, and by New Year her breasts were
quite evident... evident enough for her father to talk to her by the end of January, saying he knew of other men who had a problem like that, and that it was easy to fix it, just have a mastectomy and everything
would be all right... no need to say that Jessie freaked out. So, on February 2nd, she told her father she would meet me at my Mom's for the weekend, picked up her stuff and moved in with me, in my city.
Next day to that, she wrote a letter to her parents explaining everything, her transsexuality, her HRT, how it worked, and who her parents could seek for counseling (we have a TS
friend in Rio who is also a therapist), and sent it. Throughout that week we grew very worried, because her parents showed no sign of getting the letter (or knowing she was home with me. They called on my cell
phone, so I assumed they thought we were at Mom's), acting apparently normal, just asking her when she was coming home.
Although we were worried, we were certain they were playing her around, because she had sent 2 copies of the letter, one by normal mail, and another by special delivery. By the end
of the week, her father called our home and asked to talk to her.
I'm going to spare you the gory details, now... basically, we are living together since that day, loving each other more and more, her transition is going well and she only hasn't
gone fully public because she still has to work in the IT industry, something we are aware won't happen for long, at least in the company she works for, so we are seeking other ways to make money (we are starting a
small business). Everything is great, except for her parents... they absolutely will not accept her as the woman she is, even after talking to our friend therapist, and, in their opinion, Jessie is a gay man who
lives with a friend who serves as a "closet door". That's how narrow minded they are, even knowing we are a couple and seeing how passionate we are with each other every time they saw us together.
Unbelievable, but true.
That behavior from her parents eventually caused Jessie to break up contact with them. It got so painfull to hear them calling her "son", and begging her to go home and
forget all about it, and threatening to take her back by force, that today she can't even hear her father's voice on the phone. Her Mom won't even talk to her since the letter. As we grew to accept, too bad for them.
Well, that's about it :) We are going to be married in October 10th, this year, and we are as happy as we can be. :D
Kisses,
Susie
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