|
HELEN
Received May 12, 2000
i've never written what i'd call an essay on the subject of cd-ing. since this is a rather informal setting i'm not going to, either. but i am going to share a few of my
own thoughts on the subject...
betty & i have been together just over two years as a i write this. two years goes by fast.
so fast you don't even realize that it's not the first month anymore, that you're not quite as "anything you want honey" as you were once. you don't even realize it - it happens that fast.
betty & i went out to a t*friendly night within our first month together. i enjoyed it tremendously - i remember the pride of having the woman at the door take my money for
us both, in holding open doors & being the one to give directions to the cabbie, in walking slowly so s/he could keep up in heels, in looking over my shoulder for any trouble. i remember feeling pleased
that i had finally found a boy who would allow myself to be more of the gentleman i had always been. who let me flatter him. who let me indulge him.
i have never been very good at being at the receiving end of such things - compliments i brush off or explain away ("well this dress is cut well" type stuff) and always felt a little quashed playing the girlfriend. (it didn't help that most of the men i dated were pathetic at paying compliments!) i saw a huge avenue open before me - of finally saying to the rest of the world "fuck it if i can't be the man." because i can. & i was. & i am.
& so it was.
betty & i have explored the t* friendly world - from drag/fetish type places like click + drag at mother, to specifically cd-oriented nights like karolyn's oasis at the silver swan. it was only when we went out into the real world - with a cd-friendly friend - that i got my first gulp of shock.
all of a sudden it wasn't so cool to me anymore.
it was terrifying. i came home that night & took a bath, & after spending the night with betty, i had a vision in my head of my boyfriend, & it felt like he was dead. i was missing him. & i was terrified that there would come a day that he would be gone... that i would have betty only. & i told him.
we had a month of long talks. betty had a month of hiding out in the closet with the cobwebs & the shoes we don't wear.
we are just at the end of that season of shame, & aren't quite out of the dark yet.
but i can say this for sure:
it was an important awakening for me. i realized that cd-ing is not just about underground clubs & acting the gentleman & manicures & fetish clothes. it's not about being with someone who is saying to society "fuck off if you don't like my life." it's about seeing the love of your life suffer. it's about realizing that a word from you MATTERS to the man you're with.
it's about realizing that you're with someone who will always feel at least a little compromised by the narrow confines of the society we live in, & realizing that my own ideas
about what i expect of a boyfriend/husband is very much part of that society that says NO.
the one thing i'm determined about is stretching my definition of love until it fits around the one who has my heart. i can't wait.
...there's no place like home
Send mail to helen b.
|
