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JENNIFER
Received January 9, 2000
My name is Jen, and I am in a commited wonderful relationship with a Trans-sexual...Gender Dysphoric. What that means is that she is going to have a sex change. I am a straight
female, verry liberal and open, but I am straight and I am having a lot of trouble comprehending my feelings and deciding how all of this defines me.
I met her at work and we became really close friends. I knew that she liked me, but my preference is male. We would spend hours together and slowly I began to relise that I had
feelings for her. She was so manly, but not butch. When I was with her I would feel safe.
Over the course of our friendship, I came to know that she was severely depressed. All her life the only thing in the world she wanted was to be a man. We would
talk for hours about her longing and how helpless she felt. I knew a nother female to male and i would talk about him. My friend knew that she needed to be a man, and I knew I needed her.
She hasn't started any hormones, and like I said she isn't butch. She dresses like a man, but still looks like a girl. This is extremely hard for me. I know that she is in every way,
but physically a man, and I call her by her male name, and I love her very much, but I have had to really come to terms with a lot of my insecurites. Both of us are extremely uncomfortable with being identified with
the word lesbian, because it isn't who either of us is. She is a man, and I fell in love with him.
Sex is hard for us. I am not physicaly attracted, and she is completely uncomfortable and ashamed with her body. She doesn't feel like she can be close enough to me with out a penis.
I am having alot of trouble finding people to talk to about this. There have to be other people who have been in my position. I feel so bad because I feel that I have to keep our
relationship a secret and I know that hurts her. It also hurt her that i am attracted to and lust over other men.
I don't want us to hurt anymore, and I desprately want someone to talk to. She has a support group and such, but I don't feel like there is anyone to listen to me. I just want
someone to tell me that I am okay and that everything is going to work out.
Thanks for reading this.
Jennifer
(Dana's note: Jennifer has asked interested correspondents to Email ME, and I'll forward the message on.)
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