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Arwyn
Received November 3, 1998 (see UPDATE below)
Hi
My name is Arwyn; My husband is Michael. We have been married for 10 years and have 3 children, ages 1. 6 & 8. We are almost an Ozzie and Harriet family, he works and I stay home
with the kids in a white bread suburban tract home neighborhood doing PTA and suff. Michael is over 6', and built like a linebacker. I fell in love with his body first, then was delighted to find that he is a very
intellegent, gentle, loving man. Michael is one of the most masculine men I have ever met. That is part of why I love him.
Early in our relationship he told me he felt like a lesbian in a man's body. I thought at the time he was expressing an enjoyment in eating me out and that he had a strong feminine
side. That was OK with me.
About 5 years ago he began wearing women's underwear after a pair of mens underwear with a vertical seam up the middle caused a raw spot on his penis. At first it was to protect the
raw spot, then he continued, telling me they gave him better support. He WAS honest that it was a turn on for him.
I did know about his occasionally trying on my clothes. I could live with occasional secretive CD. No problem. Once or twice I even helped him put on makeup.
We have a great marriage. We are very open with each other, we communicate well and never go to bed angry. While we do have the occasional shouting match it is usually about
money or something, does not last long, and is totally non violent.
About two months ago Michael told me he wants to be a woman. He says he has always felt this way but social pressures prevented him from doing anything about it. He began shaving his
legs as soon as summer was over and he no longer wore shorts in public. He dressed fully for the first time (skirt, sweater, nylons, shoes, makeup, nail polish and wig) for Halloween. I helped by purchasing the wig
and teaching him how to apply makeup. My family thought it was a riot.
I supported him (grudgingly) until Halloween. I tried to stay open minded and accepting. Watching him was like a morbid curiosity, but when he went to touch me I was disgusted. I
avoided all physical contact. He noticed, but did not realize the extent of my reaction.
Now all Michael talks about is how liberating it was to dress, and now he wants to start hormone therapy as soon as possible. Actually he wants to start with testosterone supressor.
While once he said he didn't think he wanted to go under the knife, he now speaks of it as a definite long term oucome.
People keep saying that he will not change as a woman, but that is not true. I am watching him become a stranger. Part of who he was, inside and outside, to me, was a MAN. His
masculinity to me is an integral part of him, and an intergral part of my love for him.
People online in the TG world keep telling him that he needs to take care of "Number 1" first. That is bullshit. He has responsibilities. He took on a responsibility when
he married me and again when we chose to have children (all three were planned pregnancies). It is entirely selfish of him to destroy four lives in order to persue a dream. Personal responsibility does not go out
the door when someone decides they want something different out of their life.
I cannot allow him to make any changes as long as he has a family to support, and if that means losing him in 16 1/2 years, when our youngest child turns 18, so be it. I love him
desperately, and have no wish to lose him, but the person I love is a man. If I can stop him I will.
Should he ever become a woman I would consider Michael dead, murdered by his new sister, Christine, and mourned as such.
Arwyn
UPDATE, August 23, 1999
Hello,
It has now been a year since my husband revealed his TG leanings to me. We have had a very interesting time with this. I went through denial, depression, anger and so many other emotions it felt like I was caught in the middle of an emotional tornado. For about four months I gave him grudging support for the CD part of his interests, even helping him with advice on what to wear.
Michael kept a journal of his fellings about his TGness, which he sometimes allowed me to read. We talked a lot, and I mean a LOT. I was trying to understand this and he was trying to talk me into loving him as a woman.
After a while things started changing. I realized my unworn clothes were no longer winding up in the dirty colthes hamper and he began wearing his men's underwear again.
I didn't know how to take this at first, so I said nothing. His journal was less used, entries getting fewer and far between. Then they stopped. On the anniversary of his telling me of his TG I asked him why things had changed. His reply made my decade.
Since he was acting out his TG things somewhat openly he had lost interest. It became more a hobby, an occasional sexual fantasy. Talk about being relieved!
Now things have gotten mostly back to normal. I no longer have to worry about what to tell the kids when they're older. "Christine" still pops up every once in a while, but she seems to be on a major haiatus.
Arwyn
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