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Married for 30+ years, I've known for perhaps 26 -27 years my husband is a transvestite. At the time of discovery, I wasn't a particularly a happy camper but `adjusted'- apparently I
was pre-primed to become a codependent. Busy, busy, busy I never volunteered to see him dressed and conveniently stuck my head in the sand playing housewife, mother, business woman, and interestingly maintenance
mechanic of our home.
This came to an abrupt halt last June when cleaning out the gutters, the ladder slipped, and I broke some bones, big time.
Hubby was suddenly so attentive, and possibly because I feared the probability of no longer being able to maintain my customary level of physical (head in the sand) activities, I
began to reflect on our marriage. The crossdressing appeared to be truly under control and perhaps I could try to become a closer, more loving spouse. Five months in a cast proved me dreadfully wrong.
I learned post haste, he had gone well beyond wearing what I had perceived to be the occasional ladies panties, etc. to almost constantly wearing what he could secret
underneath his men's wear--to having decided he could `pass' in TV friendly bars while on business trips, going for how-to lessons, etc.
Infuriated with his "what the wife doesn't
know won't hurt her" rationalizations, I got on the Internet looking up "crossdresser spouse support" and became even more infuriated to find these guys invite spouses to their conferences as if to insure the presence and added pleasures of having real live female decoys amongst the lot of them.
They tend to support and celebrate themselves, period. As far as understanding goes, Hubby scores a perfect zero--all he can see is their pictures are not at all like him because
they look like men in woman's clothes. I should relax & take solace in knowing he thinks he can pass for the real thing?
For weeks now I've been in a daze, and then today got into COSA (Codependents of Sex Addicts) and can't say I felt at
home, but found the following questions, the majority of which I finally could honestly answer "YES".
Key Identifying Behaviors:
The following questions can be used to help you identify sexually codependent behaviors and assess your need for the COSA program.
Do you:
- Find yourself trying to control a partner, relative, friend, employer, or colleague's sexual actions or thoughts?
- Allow sex to play a dominant or all-consuming role in your relationships?
- Think things would be better if only you performed better sexually?
- Find sex more uncomfortable than pleasurable?
- Withdraw emotionally, have your mind on other things during sex, or feel empty afterwards?
- Focus more on another person s sexual attitudes, beliefs, or needs than your own?
- Use sex to try to repair relationships when they are strained?
- Find yourself engaging in compulsive or depressive behaviors to avoid your feelings (sleeping too much, losing sleep, eating poorly, overeating, overspending, or abusing
chemicals)?
- Participate in unhealthy or degrading relationships for fear of being alone?
- Compare your appearance with others (co-workers, friends, celebrities)?
- Avoid speaking with others ( friends, a professional counselor) about your sexual behaviors or feelings?
- Engage in sexual activities with your partner that feel disturbing or shaming?
- Get accused of or feel that you are "frigid" or "not with it" sexually?
- Lie about your sexual feelings or reactions in order to please your partner (fake orgasm)?
- Neglect your needs, or those of family and friends, to comply with your partner s sexual desires?
- Play detective (look through belongings, check whereabouts, etc.) to find clues of a partner, relative, or friend s sexual acting out?
Fortunately, I'm not financially dependent upon this guy so, if necessary, I should be able to set myself free. But it does appear I am engaged in a codependency that can be far more
destructive to the unwary spouse than worrying about the superficialities of his gender and sexuality. In that regard COSA also discusses
4 phases: Addiction, Escalation, Desensitization, and Acting out Sexually; taken in context, the course seems to be plausible, if not probable.
Have any of the wives scored as poorly as I, or do I stand alone? Is there anywhere an ongoing Internet Spousal Support Group? I look forward to insightful responses, but have
no interest in hearing any of the make believe from the wanna-bes. I'd like to save our marriage, but sorry fellows (if it's to be a healthy marriage) I come first in this round.
Sincerely,
Jackie J.
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