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Hi! My name is Wendy, and I am married (18 years) to a TS man (MTF). I found out this past April. At the time, our marriage had been steadily deteriorating for the past 10 years, but
I stubbornly held on trying to figure out what was wrong and make it right. I had discovered clothing I thought belonged to another woman...only to find out it belonged to my husband and he was cross-dressing!
At first I was shocked and revolted, until he revealed to me that all his life he has felt that he is a woman!! After my initial shock, the primary emotion I felt was
compassion. Compassion for the person who I knew and loved so well, who has been so frustrated all his (or more correctly her) life. Our first goal was to discover more about what TG was all about. A helpful
organization is: AEGIS at majordomo@lists.mindspring.com. A helpful book is: True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism for Families, Friends, Coworkers and Helping
Professionals by Mildred L. Brown & Chloe Ann Rounsley. These, among other resources, helped us both understand what was going on in her body, mind as well as in our relationship and our lives.
I feared that I would dislike this "interloper" in our imperfect but rather ordinary lives. On the contrary, I may have lost a "husband," but in exchange, I have
gained the best friend I have every had. We get along together better than we have for 10 years. She revealed her true self to me, and with help from a professional therapist, we started realigning our lives
together. When she came out to me, all the tensions in our marriage melted away, as if they had never been!!
After the revelation, I lost all interest in sex. However, our lives are full of "I love yous", hugs and kisses as they never have been before. We laugh and cry together as
we try to adjust to the constant changes. At the moment, my partner is seeing a therapist, going through electrolysis and looking forward to starting hormones as soon as next week. I see her blossom and grow as a
young woman and fear the rocky road ahead for her. However I am comforted by the fact that I will be there to assist her with the numerous pitfalls that await her as she begins her life anew. I can't imagine how
difficult it would be without someone to guide you in clothes, makeup, etc.! Unfortunately, I have been unable to find a support group in our area.
So far, we have only told one pair of our friends, and no family members (fortunately, its a very small family). At present, I dread what will happen at work, with friends or family
if someone found out. How do you tell them? Anyone have any good suggestions?? The one couple we told has been very positive and supportive, as I figured they would be when I wrote them. So far, no one has commented
on her gradually disappearing facial hair, or occasional "different" clothing, as she is herself only at home with me (though we have gone out as "the girls" a few times). That can be fun, but a
little nerve-wracking at times! Would love to correspond with others with any input!
Wendy
UPDATE Received March 5, 1998
Dear Dana,
Sorry it has taken so long to reply to you. I have also found comfort in corresponding with other transgender wives. I have not found a support group in my area.
It has been almost a year since Jennifer revealed herself to me.
My "spouse" and I are still doing fine. Since I last wrote a lot has changed...or should I say Jennifer has changed!! She has been on hormones for several months now. Not only is she sprouting breasts but she is getting some hair regrowth on her head (she was balding) and a slowing of hair regowth where she does not want it. She is very emotional at times.
She has also experienced her first "period"what PMS!!
Our relationship is still a good one. We are best friends and enjoy long talks and shopping together.
Outings are still somewhat stressful, as although she is undergoing electrolysis, it is by no means finished. We all know what Florida heat and sweat can do to makeup!! However, she is gradually taking steps to "going public", though she remains her old male image at work. Most of our friends still do not know about her transition.
Jennifer is going to school to retrain herself for a career in accounting. She is her male persona at school as well. I think that we will have to move in order for her to go
full time as her new self.
This puts a lot of stress on her to keep up the male persona. Every day it becomes a little harder, and we would both welcome someone saying, "...hey, are you...??" but are still too chicken to bring up the subject ourselves.
We are still legally married. Neither of us wants sex with the other...we both prefer men!!
However there are lots of hugs and kisses and plenty of love between us. Financially it is more beneficial for us to remain married at this time.
Jennifer still gets regular counselling via phone with Dr. Bushong at the Tampa Stress Center.
He has helped her enormously. She is rapidly developing self confidence and understanding of her new self. I go to a local counsellor about every six months or when I feel the need to talk.
Once again, I welcome correspondence with others in the same position. I hope every one of you can attain the love and understanding Jennifer and I have. I think Jen would have
a much harder time without my support. I feel like I have lost a husband and gained a sister...and I never had a sister before!!
Love and hugs,
Wendy
UPDATE Received December 9, 1998
It's funny, reading over my previous postings how things have been progressing gradually.
It's hard to believe things were the way they were compared to now! Jennifer has come miles and miles over the past year (as have I).
At the moment, she is still John at work but is Jennifer all the time when she is at home or not at work.
Our neighbors now know (our next door neighbor asked) and are either very accepting or at least getting used to it. We live in Key West, FL which tends to be an open and liberal community. Jennifer has found wonderful support at the Metropolitan Community Church. It is open to all (and they really mean it). While not from a real churchgoing background, we have found tremendous support and acceptance there. Jennifer has made new friends there and has become actively involved in the church (I work weekends, so my involvement is limited.) I have told all my coworkers and they are either accepting or at least OK with it.
Jennifer has had the courage also to tell some family members.
The first, her stepmother, had a very negative reaction. Her opinion is "God does not make mistakes" and Jen's opinion is "That's right--I am as I am." Maybe she'll come around or at least accept?? Jen's brother, who we thought she had lost forever finally answered her letter and let her know she had all his support--WOW! And we never expected THAT!! We have yet to tell her Mom or my family....we'll see about that!
Jennifer is going to court to have her name officially changed January 20, 1999, and hopes to have enough electrolysis done by that time to go full-time as herself. This will
necessitate a job change (she works in the construction industry). She is already going to school to change her career to Accounting.
We are also trying to start a support group here in Key West. PFLAG (Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) is also a good source of support. They have an online
support group as well as groups all over the US. They are also inclusive of bisexuals and transgendered people and their significant others. Anyone interested in PFLAG information here in Key West or
national can e-mail me and I'll send you some. Their mission reads:
...support, to cope with an adverse society, education, to enlighten an ill-informed public, and advocacy, to end discrimination and secure
equal civil rights. ...
How am I dealing with all this??
Well, the past 2 months have had their ups and downs. Jennifer's new independence and circle of friends does free me up to do my own thing. However, I am so used to being half of a couple that it is rather awkward for me. I am taking baby steps--self help books to renew my self-esteem and also become more assertive. It's working but it is a slow process. We are on a rather limited budget right now, so I am working through self-help books and will seek a counselor out as a last resort.
We are still the best of friends and love each other. The sexual aspect, however, is not there and we are each seeking a male partner.
I expect we will continue to live together, but will eventually file for divorce to legally separate ourselves.
Please feel free to e-mail me at my new address:
WendyE928 @aol.com [Dana's Note: As of July 8 1999, this link was broken. Wendy, if you read this, please give me your new address!]
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