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Hi, y'all...my name is Desiree, and I've been married 2 months to a TG gal. I was lucky enough to learn about the Michele part of Michael, my husband before we were married, and that
made a world of difference. I wasn't always accepting, though.
When I first learned that Michael was a crossdresser, well...I was quite confused. Here was the most masculine man I had ever dated, the most secure, supportive, and loving (that
must be the femme part of him) boyfriend I had ... and here he was, telling me he likes to wear women's clothing. Actually...the first time he tried to tell me, he didn't *really* tell me. He told me he thought he
liked dressing in woman's clothing, but not really....yeah, right. *grin* I knew that he was hiding this from me, but I needed to draw it out of him. Over the course of two or three months, I kept telling him it was
alright for him to tell me anything, and that I wouldn't mind if he was a crossdresser. Finally, he admitted on late night that he was in actuality a crossdresser.
I didn't question him, and just accepted the fact which was, believe it or not, a mistake. Of course, some of the questions, he didn't have answers to..but they were unasked. Some of
the tradional ones, "Are you gay, do want SRS?" and some others like, why, since when, where...all those deep intimate things that Michael had not dealt with yet. But, I am a very open minded person, and
did not want to seem judgemental, so I asked nothing. I bought him a new wardrobe, a wig, the works....
The big night came, and I felt...weird. Michael was still into his guilt, and I felt disgusted? worried? about his need for me to force him to dress. I'm not a person who can force
others against this will...so the appearnce of his en femme personality made me nervous, apprehensive. I always helped with his clothes, his makeup...but it was still unnerving. I was scared this would completely
control our life.
But then, I started asking questions...and learning things from such online forums as TG Forum...and Vanessa and Linda Kaye's Web page. I
saw that others saw their TGness in a positive light, without the guilt and the shame, and were able to integrate this into their lives into a enjoyable experience, even for the spouses!!! *grin* I began to let all
my questions out, and in doing so, Michael was able to question himself and find the answers we both needed...the guilt faded away, and Michael gained his femme name, Michele. It was no longer a man in a dress who
smiled at me from painted eyelids, but the feminine part of my Michael, Michele, an integrated part of Michael I had always loved. Michele became real, not just a cardboard cut-out...but a person, just as beloved to
me as my husband...she is my wife.
This didn't happen over night, but took hours of conversation, lots of understanding, and bunches of learning about myself and my spouse. It wasn't easy, but boy, was it worth
it! I wish I could analyze my story and give a formula that would help any couple, but alas, I don't think it is that easy. But, I can assure any wife or girlfriend out there, that a relationship with your SO, with
his TG side integrated into it, can be fun, exciting, and precious, just as the one you have now.
Email me, if you'd like to chat...my mouth and ears are always open! *grin*
Desiree.
Our Web Site: http://members.tgforum.com/desireemichele (Dana's note: this link reported broken 7/11/2002.)
UPDATE June 25, 2000
Well, it's been 3 years since Michele and I got married, and we've had our ups and downs. A surprise is that for a year and a half Michele didn't dress
at all around me. As
Michele began exploring her gender issues, she began dressing often. Often was fine with me, I didn't mind at all. Then often became every night.
OK....that was starting to go slightly overboard. Then the breastforms and the makeup *never* came off at bedtime. Coupled with the stress of money, and married life, it became too
much for me. The only time we ever had sex was with Michele, never with Michael. When I asked that the dressing be cut down...so did our sex life. We were rarely if ever intimate.
I don't think this was a conscious decision by Michele. I think it was a reaction to have something that was important taken away from her. But, instead of talking about it, and
coming to a compromise, we took the easy way out. Michele stopped dressing and repressed everything. I sat and suffered through having no intimate moments, and no communication.
Now that I look back, all of it, from the anxiety I'd get every time Michele would get dressed up, to her lack of responsiveness all came from a simple lack of talking about our
problems. We pretended everything was okay.....and then in April of 1999, we stopped sleeping in the same room. I went to a divorce lawyer. What a change from the happy and excited couple we had been.
After some severe depression and an failed suicide attempt, I went into the hospital last August.
That was our wakeup call that if we didn't do something, we were going to lose each other. So, we started talking about our feelings, and what was wrong, and stopped pretending we were perfect. A few months ago I asked Michael if he missed Michele, and to tell the truth. He admitted it, and the fact that any time I was out of town, he would dress up. I swallowed my anxiety and my pride, and asked Michele to dress up for me.....and the world did not end. :-)
Everything was fine, and in fact, I realized how much I missed it. Now, I guess, I'm back from the brink of destruction and obsession, and happy to hang out with our TG friends
online and here in Oklahoma.
I guess the whole point of this story is that my issue with Michele's dressing wasn't the problem, it was the symptom. It was easy to blame all our problems on it, when in fact, even
without Michele dressing up, things got worse, not better. So, ladies, before you decide to completely reject your mate's crossdressing, think about what the real problems might be. Don't blame all the fighting on
that. And husbands/boyfriends/lovers....our acceptance does NOT give you free rein. Ask about our boundaries. Think about how you'd want to be treated as a lady. Get dressed up in your suit and tie and take us out
for a night on the town, where *we're* the center of attention. Believe me, it'll make life easier.
If you're a struggling or accepting SO, feel free to email me!
Desiree
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