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Hi there !!
I'm relatively new to all 'this' and firstly would like to introduce myself.
My name is Raqual. I am married and have been for 5 years to a wonderful man - who likes to crossdress. I have known about his crossdressing for 3 years now, though the time that he
chose to reveal it to me may not have been appropriate - sometimes I ask myself "when was the right time?". At that stage I was 8 months pregnant with our son.
At first I laughed at it but we got into some serious conversation about it. I really didn't know what to expect and said OK to him, that it was alright with me if he dressed
up as I did not know of any person who crossdressed - I was curious. I allowed him to dress up in my clothes, which I couldn't fit at the time because I was so HUGE. To my surprise he looked really good and he told
me his femme name so I played along. We talked about makeup and fashion, he asked for advice and I gave it. For me it was like having a girlfriend and it was fun. My husband explained to me that even though he liked
to dress as a woman he had no desire to be one. I said it was OK, what he said made sense as long as he went slowly with it, so I could adjust. Also that he understood that I was going to need his support more once
the baby arrived. This baby was a planned pregnancy and was very much loved. We were thrilled.
But within two days of his revelation, he began to spend more time dressing up than with me preparing for the birth of our son. I became worried and told him how I felt. He
apologised. Again the next day he did the same thing. This went on for weeks and even after our son was born. My man starting wearing womens clothing as often as possible. We had our business at the time, so he'd
wear lingerie' to work, come home, dress up, put make-up on and pretend to be a woman - this happened every day.
Finally I'd had enough. I had a 10 week old baby boy and a husband that did not even know we existed. I was devastated. I wanted this time with our first child to be special. I
tried to explain this to my man but it was like we were hitting brick walls. He also told me that it felt good for him and that dressing up made him feel special. That being and feeling like a woman was wonderful
and I was lucky.
Well you can imagine what my reaction to that was - I had just given birth to a baby, I did not feel special or lucky to be a woman. I felt ugly, tired, overweight and that it
wasn't a baby that had come out of me - but a 10 foot truck. Yes I felt as big as a house and was not interested in having sex.
So I packed my baby and I some clothing, told my man to his face that he had better decide what was important - Supporting his wife and son or dressing up. I went away for two weeks
and then came home. We needed to talk. Well we talked, yelled, cried - He told me he would never do it again and that we were more important. As a result of this, I refused to talk about his crossdressing again.
Boy, I hated it and every time I saw something on TV about crossdressers I would criticise them and put them down. All these bad feelings came to the fore and I'd take it out on my man - who became very tolerant and
withdrawn on the subject.
For two years he went out and brought lingerie' in secret but I would find it and go into a rage - I could not let go of what had happened before. Then for days afterwards I would
cry and he would withdraw, we would then talk and he would tell me that he'd never do it again. It use to make me feel better but I knew deep down that it was a part of him and that I would have to face it again
someday.......
Well that someday was 6 months ago. My man starting renting videos with the 'crossdressing' theme. I began to watch them and my fears resurfaced. So I started asking him questions.
He was receiving digests from another forum, so I started to read it. I asked more questions like "do you want to have SRS?", "are you gay?" etc etc. I could not understand how you could dress up
like a woman and not want to be one. The more I read and talked the more I discovered that this was 'difficult' for him too. He was discovering things about himself. He began crossdressing again but slowly this time.
I found that we were asking ourselves the same kind of questions. When my man went into woman mode it scared me because to me he was a woman - and I wondered if I was lesbian or even
bi-sexual. It was difficult to be intimate during those times but I found that the essence of him was male. So now it can be kind of fun. We talk about whether he wants to 'come out'. He says no but I think it is
fear on his part - which is understandable. Society is not tolerant of individuals who are different.
We talk about this every day in order to evaluate where we're at so that we don't go off in another tangent. We are very open and honest about our feelings but we do it in a gentle
way - not brutally like we did before. I have told him that if he comes out I will support him in his decision and educate (this is a nicer word) people on this issue. I will do everything I can to help him. Even if
he decides that he wants to be a 'real' woman (srs and all that goes with it) I will still support him ..... But I could no longer be his wife ..... He understands this. For me personally, I want a relationship with
a man and even though it would hurt if the male/female relationship with my husband ended, I'd let go and carry on. I would not be able to stay with him as the relationship would no longer be husband and wife -
rather wife and wife.
However he insists that he likes being a man but enjoys wearing satin clothing next to his skin. Our relationship has gone from strength to strength. We have a lot of fun with his
crossdressing but I have told him that he is NOT to look better than me ;-). I am worried about our son - who has just had his 3rd birthday - and if seeing dad dressed as a woman will influence his decisions when he
gets older ??? I guess like everything - Only time will tell and teach us.
I would appreciate any advice. My man is trying to find support for this too - I haven't mentioned this but I love my man very much - and in retrospect, it is that combination of
masculine/feminine that appealled to me when we first met. I think that everyone is born with that male/female aspect - that gender can not dictate your character or how you are going to turn out (society does a
good enough job of that already) but I know as a woman that I have a very strong masculine side. Maybe the Eastern Religions (monks) really do have an answer to this question?
Raqual -- onlyraqual@hotmail.com Dana's note: As of July 28 1999, this Email address didn't work. Raqual, if you read this, please send me your new address!
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