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I wrote basically this same thing to Cath at Cath's Place today, but while I'm being open with people and pouring out my heart... well, here goes.
I am a liberal bisexual female. I was raised as a conservative fundamentalist Christian , and have tossed that life firmly behind me. My father is a minister.
I am married to a wonderful man who is attentive and loving and a good father to our son. He adopted our son last year. My son is six and we've been married two years.
My husband crossdresses and says he is somewhere near the middle of the gender spectrum... although he says some days he feels very male and other days he feels very female.
I hurt... not becuase he dresses, at least, I don't think so... but because... well because of a lot of things. Sexually he is primarily turned on by the idea of being female. He
doesn't get turned on by me in sexy things... or looking good, but by himself. Often I feel like I am only there to admire him. When he is dressed he is very vain and self-centered and expects constant
"drooling" over his/her appearance. Sie (I like using Sie and Hir for TG people who don't necessarily identify as one gender or the other all the time) gets very vain, and expects me to be obsessed with
hir "breasts" when I would rather play with hir *real* nipples. It's degrading to be expected to make love to foam. And when sie is in hir femme persona, sie is no longer attractive to me. Sie is just the
vain, self centered individual that I am sickened by... in life, in the office, whatever. Is it so bad for me to want hir to be attracted to and turned on by *me*?
I hurt because our honeymoon was not a celebration of our marriage, but an excuse for hir to crossdress. We spent the entire week and hundreds of dollars in Las Vegas getting hir
clothes and stuff. I didn't say much then, because I was trying to be supportive... although there was a point at which I burst into tears... and told hir how I felt. Sie said sie felt bad, but it continued. This
was particularly painful because I had to *draw* complements out of him on our wedding day when I was wearing a $1,000 wedding dress. Sometimes I feel like a fixture in his life. I'm there to coif hir hair, paint
hir nails and so on...
Lately I've expressed my hurt and resentment to him and he doesn't dress as much, but I feel bad... because he spent most of his life in the closet... being ashamed and afraid of who
he is... and I feel bad because I dont' want him to ever feel that way around me.
What do I do... I'm hurting right now, but I am deeply, desperately in love with him... if I weren't, it wouldn't hurt so bad, you know?
How do I handle this? I don't even know where to start... I know he loves me... I know he's only attracted to women, not men... I know he's experiencing feelings that I can't respond
to because of my hurt..
*sigh*
Mary Ann [Dana's Note: As of July 8 1999, this Email link was broken. Mary Ann, if you read this, please give me your new address!]
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