|
I'm engaged to a man who crossdresses from time to time. (the wedding's in 2 months :) ) He told me about it the first day we met, as a matter of fact. but he did it so quickly,
so... well, it sounded like he was saying "and I like a glass of wine with my dinner"... I honestly thought he was joking. (he jokes around *a lot*)
When it dawned on me that this was for real, I felt a whole lot of feelings:
--is there something wrong with him?
--is there something wrong with me? am I not woman enough?
--to be painfully honest, I was embarrased.
--is it possible to have a normal relationship with him?
--is this something I'll have to deal with every day?
--will I be "competing" with another woman?
--and yes, how can I get him to stop doing it.
It took a lot of soul searching on my part. I took a drive that weekend and just thought it over. I thought, here is a nice enough man. He seems to be kind, considerate, everything I
want. He likes to wear clothes like mine from time to time. Is that a big deal?
Well, yes and no.
Yes, because it brought up--and still brings up--a lot of insecurities. Do I have to worry that he's going to go for a sex change at some point? He said no, and I believe him, but
there's still that kernel of doubt.
And no--what the hell does it matter what clothes he likes? I've never been one to give a rip about clothes in the first place.
We talked. a lot. OPENLY. that's the beauty of it. If I have fears, I speak them. If he has needs and wants, he tells me. That doesn't mean his wants trample my fears, or my fears
stifle his wants. We compromise.
I guess I'm "lucky" in that he doesn't want to dress every day. I don't have to come face-to-face with that part of our relationship on a constant basis. Because of that, I
didn't have to plunge into something I wasn't ready for.
The more and more i talked to him, the less and less important it became. So he likes the underwear I do. *Shrug* What's so harmful about that? I like some of his sweaters too.
Finally, that Halloween, we went out in public both as women. I have to confess, I did feel some embarassment. I'm ashamed of that. but, whenever someone gave him a not-so-kind look,
I was ready to jump down the offender's throat with both feet. this is the one I love, all of him, even if I can't understand everything about him.
By now, I'd say we're pretty comfortable with the whole matter. He wants to go out again sometime together. By no means have I ruled it out, but honestly I'm not as enthusiastic
about it as he is. That's no crime. We'll do it again sometime, I'm sure of it.
We do have very different ideas about transgender issues. I think a lot of it has to do with how an individual reacts to the environment they grew up in. And I disagree with a lot of
the transgender party line. He knows that, we discuss it. and even though we may disagree, I think our openness brings us closer together.
Hmm... so I guess what I want to say to other people who are beginning to face what I did is this... yes, it is a huge shock. don't be afraid of your feelings. Consider them all,
analyze them all. but don't lose sight of the fact that this is still the person you are in love with... or love... or are friends with.
Is it really worth chucking that all aside for the sake of a change of clothes?
I concluded that the love this man has for me far outweighs any passing discomfort I might feel when he slips on a pair of pumps. To give him up over that would be terrible
short-sightedness.
Barbara Dana's note: As of July 28 1999, this Email address didn't work. Barbara, if you read this, please send me your new address!
|
