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My transgendered friend (TGF) has suggested that I relate my experiences meeting him/her for other transgendered persons (TGs) and their significant others (SOs). I balked. I am a private person, I protested. He reminded me of that time when I knew nothing about TGs, except that a man I had just met, and whom I adored, had just said he was TG. OK, for the next woman in that boat & her TGF, I'll do it.

I met my TGF at an out-of-town workshop. For several days I eyed him across the proverbial crowded room. What did I see? --A tall, handsome, interesting-looking man. That impression still holds. It only lacks a bit of detail on the interesting part.

As the workshop neared an end, I asked him for help in planning a group farewell. He seemed surprised that I should want to talk to him. This was due to modesty, not bashfulness. He understood what I needed and wanted to help. He seemed sweet and competent. To the extent that one can fall in love at first sight, this was it.

Later that day, or maybe the next, he invited me to dinner. It was a pleasant and uneventful first date. The next evening, the last time our group would gather, I couldn't find him. Although I had his telephone number, I was not going to use it unless he showed more interest. (Yep, I'm still stuck on some male/female conventions.) But the workshop wasn't over yet, so I went looking for him. (The future sometimes hangs on a slender thread!) Luckily, he had planted himself in my path. (This, he later told me was just chance. However, he also thinks the thread was not so slender and eventually he would have called me had we not bumped into each other that evening.) He invited me out on the spot.

Later, as he was driving me back to my lodging, I felt I might have been too giddy. "Do I talk too much" I asked. "No," he said, "I like it." This supportive easy response made me wonder, is this what people mean when they say they knew at once that they were meant for each other? That evening, he kissed me. I floated to my room feeling like a foolish teenager. (Folks, I am old enough to be a teenager's grandmother.) "What's happening ?" I wondered. I had just spent about 5 years, hard-headed and critical, spurning a fair number of suitors. Now I was acting like some ditsy kid blind to any flaw in the image of this person that I was creating in my over-stimulated imagination.

We went our separate ways. I didn't hear from him. He later told me he simply does not fall for strangers. Ignorant of this, as well as his TG side, I cautiously pursued him. I usually suggested lunch, safe for both of us. He usually agreed.

After about a month of casual dating, over lunch (of course), knees gently touching, he asked me if I knew what "transgendered" meant. I said yes (I was wrong), and he told me he was transgendered. Keep in mind that my "yes" was utterly wrong, so my response isn't as cool as it sounds. I gamely replied, "this is a surprise," and then "I still want to kiss you." Not much else was said that day.

Why did I say "yes." A refusal to admit ignorance? No, probably just confusion over sex and gender in general. I was totally stupid about TGs. Sure, I had heard of Christine Jorgenson (who hasn't?), but I assumed such persons were extreme homosexuals. And Jorgenson's story did not even blip on my radar while I was casting about for some way to understand what I was getting into. My TGF had explained that sexual orientation and gender identification were two very different things. I still didn't get it. It took me 6 weeks, at least, to understand what he was telling me.

I saw nothing remotely gay about this guy. Long hair, earrings, and a feminine hair band failed to communicate much to me. This androgynous look struck me only as counter-cultural. However, I wasn't so stupid that I didn't consider the possibility that maybe I was totally clueless. This was an uncomfortable time, as I recall it now. Here I was, falling in love, and I didn't understand something really basic about the person for whom I was falling.

Finally, I asked a friend, a nurse, "what does `transgender' mean?" She equated TG with trans-sexual (TS), and told me about two doctors she knew who had sex reassignment surgery (SRS). One, in her judgement, became a graceful looking woman, the other not. Both are now living as lesbians. She strongly advised me to forget my TGF, for my own good. Her advice came too late. My TGF, responsive, charming, witty, truthful, intelligent and thoughtful, had won my heart. I was in the middle stages of falling in love. I could not objectively weigh the consequences of further pursuit of this strange person.

Was he attracted to me? (Seemed to be.) Why? How would he make love to a woman? What's the deal with his arm hair, which would vanish & reappear & vanish again? Why doesn't he push the sex thing like my prior (rejected) suitors? And the question that bothered me most of all: Did he want SRS? I found it extremely hard to raise these questions with him, dreading what the answer might be. Take note: TGs with SOs, help your SO ask questions! I listened and I trusted his judgement about himself. Take note, SOs, listening and trusting are essential.

This much I understood: My TGF believed, at a young age, that he was a girl. Disappointed to be told otherwise, he settled for wanting to be a girl. At least at times. He sensed both a male and a female side. Sometimes one is more dominant than the other. It is important to him to be truthful about the female side. He has spent most of his life being secretive and ashamed of it. The memory is painful. His sexual orientation is, as I instinctively knew, heterosexual.

To learn more, I started web surfing. I found a few essays by SOs. Linda Kaye's happy relationship with her TGF encouraged me ( http://www.3dcom.com/couples/ ). SOs who were happy about their relationship said they were clear about their needs and limits, and that compromise should be possible. That means talking about the TG experience, exploring it, knowing and expressing what is ok & what isn't, giving room to both the SO and the TG to be themselves.

I continue to trust what my TGF tells me. More than he knows! (Well, he knows now, as he read a draft of this ramble. The only secrets we have from each other are those we haven't had time to tell.) I'm a bit combative, and I got into an e-mail argument with an academic who specialized in human sexuality. This guy seemed to reject most of what my TGF had told me of his desire to be both male and female, and worse, doubted that my TGF could form a lasting bond with a woman. TGs are typically autogynephilic, he said. He warned me that the first year of a relationship usually goes nicely enough, but when the initial bloom wears off, the TS drive will likely prevail. I understood academics well enough to know that they often labor under a host of biases. I disregarded the good professor's ominous warnings.

Speaking of academics, my TGF and I have found a helpful study, by Professors Zhou, Gooren & Swaab, reported in Nature in 1995. These guys examined the brains of six (dead) male TSs. They found TS brains resembled those of genetic females in one part of the brain (the BSTc). Comparisons with the brain of a genetic male (also presumably dead) exposed to a high estrogen level (due to a medical condition while alive) suggested that the BSCt level was not a result of exposure to estrogen. You can read their report at http://www.symposion.com/ijt/ijtc0106.htm . If you prefer a newspaper summary try http://usatoday.com/news/comment/2001-03-14-ncguest2.htm.

This report cheered my TGF: "Perhaps I am not crazy after all." At such moments (this sounds trite, but it's true) I feel the pain that a TS/TG person feels as he/she grows up wondering what is "wrong" with him/her. While the study we found is based on a handful of cases, it feels right. There is something physically different, probably in the brain, of a TS or TG male, compared to a non-TS/TG male. I suspect prenatal hormonal imbalances may cause this difference. Possibly prolonged contact with estrogen causes or heightens it. Causation isn't the important thing, however. Persons with this difference are humans with an interesting way of looking at themselves and the world. That's important.

We are a couple now. I do sometimes wonder what others think. I occasionally wonder if his friends (those that know) think I'm crazy. One suggested as much. (She's right. I'm crazy about my TGF.) I don't broadcast my boyfriend's TG status. I have told a few of my close friends. Except for the nurse mentioned above, who was supportive after she met my TGF, all were immediately supportive. To my grown son, I said only that I was dating a cross dresser. His response, straight from the hip generation, was "Oh Mom, who cares? You need to watch more television." A married friend responded "Go for it! I would be very disappointed in you if you didn't." A lesbian friend said, only "Super!" and asked for permission to tell her partner. Another old friend paused for a long time, and then said "Well, none of us are really much like ordinary people." The unconventional has one enormous advantage: it's never boring.

We became lovers only after my TGF was sure that I understood his TG side. The first time is always special, and ours was no exception. (For the potential SO who is still wondering how a TG makes love, it was conventionally heterosexual. Ooops. He wants me to say more. OK … spectacularly heterosexual. Still is.)

The stunning newness of it all has worn away. I still don't know what a second year will bring. (That applies to any romance.) We have settled into a comfortable relationship. I try to support his feminine side. He believes his responsiveness and sensitivity are feminine. I appreciate this part of her personality. Yet I will be honest with him/her, and will say so when I think the feminine side is getting a little silly (which doesn't happen much, to be honest). For example, I find it unimportant to wear earrings, nail polish or even to shave one's legs. I do some of these things, of course, but not as assiduously as Margi (the femme name of my TGF) does. I actively dislike women who let their fingernails get so long that they cannot function. Conversely, I see dirty fingernails as the sign of a gardener and a good woman!

Yet, I understand Margi's view. As a genetic female, I have little need to affirm my femininity with outward things. She has a different problem. So I try to help with little things: paint her toenails, or find an androgynous shirt she can wear anytime. One day I was looking at some lovely wrap-around skirts. My TGF (in male regalia) eyed one of them covetously. "I will get this just for you, my dear," I said. We both smiled. The salesman smiled too, maybe for a different reason, but maybe not. This much is easy.

My largest shortcoming concerns forms of address. I almost always address my TGF by his male name, and use male pronouns. I try to address his/her female side, when I can. When we exchange written communication, where all is disembodied, I find it easier to address my TGF as Margi. She tells me that she does not mind my limitations in this regard. Here's another issue that needs the test of time. Meanwhile, here's a wonderfully funny and warm story from a father of a TG who has had the same problem with pronouns & related verbiage: http://www.mindspring.com/~bettysgrrl/article_davis.html .

S/he is responsive to my sensibilities. I don't like plastic breasts. S/he considerately has never used them in my presence. S/he has dabbled with estrogen . I found some worrisome reports that suggested that estrogen could interfere with sexual function, with some potentially irreversible effects. She rolled the dose back to the point where she thought it would only save her hair.

I enjoy Margi's presence. I can often see her face and her gestures, especially when we have a long, meandering talk in the dimming light of early evening. I also enjoy it when he is thinking like a typical male. He engages is some typically male activities that I hope to share with him (hunting, for example). When s/he is en femme (always in a muted way), I see only the person that I love.

I seem to be incurably heterosexual. I sometimes worry that he will take a decisive shift to the feminine pole. I cannot follow her there. At least, not as a lover. I would have to become a hand-holding friend. I will cross that bridge when (and if) I come to it.

Meanwhile, the relationship has been rewarding, tender, instructive and just plain fun. There are painful moments, but none that I would attribute to the fact that my TGF is TG. It's inevitable that there will be conflict when you have two people with strong, independent minds, and both sensitive to the moods and emotions of the other. We have a relationship in which both of us are free to respond in a way that convention might label male or female. It's rich and liberating.

I have found the man from Venus.

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>>Are you in a committed relationship with a transgendered person? How early did you find out? How did you find out? How would you have rather found out? How do you deal with your partner--what allowances, limitations, discussions... Let us hear from you!

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